Reflection

Crunch time is over. Now its time for some lazy, half-asleep reflections.

I sort of repeated a lot of motifs and themes in my poetry. I feel like a lot of my poems are saying the exact same thing but in different ways. I don't really mind much, because my mind has been a bit limited lately, due to the stress of this entire month. A lot of this poetry isn't good enough to amount to anything, but there is almost always a decent line, and I can always compile and rewrite to end up writing things truly good.

One of the motifs were love poems. I wrote a painfully pathetic amount of love poems, and this is why: I never wrote love poems. People always asked me to write them love poems and I could so seldom do it, especially if I was in a relationship with them. I could write unrequited love poems, but never could I write love poems because I didn't want to seem foolish. I also started out this month thinking I could use this excuse to write and post public poetry to try and regain my girlfriend's affections during a small break - usually I wouldn't admit this, but I'm sort of sick of checking my words and how I appear for saying what is the truth. I've spent a lot of my life doing that and it is a habit I need to break - I do stupid stuff, I have stupid reasoning for things, sometimes my emotions are stupid, but that's pretty okay. Sometimes its just better to take a chance - usually it hurts more, but at least its a living sort of pain. Point is, love poems were always the hardest thing to write for me. They meant taking something risky and making something permanent out of it, a reminder of something I may miss one day, and in the present moment, its proclaiming something that is scary to say. 'I love you' can be a really hard thing to say, and by stretching that out into an entire poem, well, it can be really difficult.

I also wrote un-love poems. I reflected on my past a bit this month, and I think it's because my actions and circumstances could be contemplated and reflected on in relation to my past - how to love correctly and incorrectly and all that, and also there are just a sort of process of forgiveness going on, sort of. I'm working on it, letting go and all.

I also wrote about escape a lot - it was after realizing how little I live.

I wrote a few gay-ish poems, some about race and such, but mostly I focused on pretty internal concepts - its hard to really broaden my view of things right now when all I can really absorb myself in are AP exams and my own personal convolutions, which have only recently made themselves apparent to me.

Next year, I don't think I'm going to do NaPoWriMo in April. I think I'll have to hold my own little personal one in March, or at least type up all of the poems then and just post them in April. I'll figure it out then.

Anyway, I was just glad I finished, though some of my poems were pretty lazy, but nonetheless, its better than last year, and next year will be better as well.

Well, thats it. NaPoWriMo is over. I guess this blog will be for some ramblings in my head, and other poems. I think I need to keep up a pretty regular poetry schedule so that I keep improving.

That was fun.